October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is a time for parents and families to reflect on their loss, honor their child’s memory, and share their journey with others. Personal reflection is a valuable tool when it comes to processing grief. It can help parents and bereaved mothers find comfort in their baby’s memory, connect with others in the community who have been affected by pregnancy or infant loss, and start to heal after a loss. The goal of this blog is to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, explain the significance of personal reflection during a time of grief, and highlight some of the reflection gifts available. 

With the season changing to cooler weather, Halloween displays and pumpkin spice everything, it can feel like the beginning of a celebratory season for all things holiday. However for many families, October is a month to pause and reflect on babies and infants lost too soon. Back in 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the entire month Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, writing it “enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.” The day of remembrance occurs on October 15th each year. It’s a time to honor and remember those families who have lost a child during pregnancy or lost an infant. Because many couples don’t feel comfortable sharing news of their loss, miscarriage can be very isolating. If you participate in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, you can help break the stigma of silence that can sometimes accompany a devastating loss. 

Both miscarriage and stillbirth describe pregnancy loss, but they differ according to when the loss occurs. According to the Centers for Disease Control, a miscarriage is usually defined as loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, and a stillbirth is loss of a baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later. It is estimated that as many as 26% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That means 1 in 4 women carry the burden of losing a child. About 80% of all reported miscarriages occur in the first trimester. In 2020, about 21,000 stillbirths were reported in the United States.

Grief is so very hard. If you have lost a baby, you may go through the traditional five stages of grief that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. As you navigate a pregnancy loss or infant death, you may:

• Feel sad or depressed
• Get angry at yourself, your partner or your family
• Feel apathetic about daily tasks or begin to isolate yourself
• Forget things easily or have difficulty concentrating
• Feel guilty about things that happened surrounding your pregnancy or death of the infant and play the “what if” game

These are just a few emotions you may deal with. It’s important that you seek help and/or counseling if you feel professional intervention is necessary. If you ever experience thoughts of suicide, call or text 988; the confidential help line is available 24/7. You may also benefit from finding a support group. Talking with other couples who have been where you are can be SO encouraging. 

My heart breaks for every single family who has walked through miscarriage and infant loss. We lost our second son Cooper at full term and it was as life-altering as you can imagine. Just a few months later we were unexpectedly pregnant and cautiously optimistic. What are the odds we’d lose another baby after finding out in the delivery room our son was already gone? Late into my first trimester I had my announcement all ready. On Halloween, I staged some pumpkins with the baby's future due date alongside our smiling toddler. However, it was just two days later we’d be devastated during a 13 week ultrasound to learn our third son had already left us. Friends, it was salt poured into an already tender wound. I’m not going to pretend that wasn’t a crushing blow and hard season to walk through. But as we approach the eight year anniversary of that fateful fall, I can give thanks for the strength and resilience it built in us and for the empathy it created for others’ losses. Laurelbox founder Johanna recently wrote, “Horrible soul cruising moments are oftentimes the best teachers of radical compassion.” She is so right! 

Can I be honest? Presents help. When you are walking through a hard season and someone sends you a gift – or you buy a gift for yourself – it can be a bright spot in an otherwise dreary day. The team at Laurelbox deeply understands the intersection of grief and beauty, hurt and healing. They diligently source and create keepsake items that honor our babies for years to come. Some gifts that are particularly thoughtful for someone walking through losing a child include wind chimes, candles and jewelry. I actually just sent the custom Hear the Wind and Think of Me wind chimes to a dear friend who lost her son in the second trimester. I also sent her the shower steamers because I remember crying in the shower for what felt like forever as my body healed post delivery. If the family you are supporting named their child, consider personalizing whatever gift you choose. I can assure you the keepsakes that include Cooper’s name or initials feel even more special and attached to his life. Years later, it helps us mamas remember our babies are real even if they aren’t here with us in this life. 

We hope this was helpful however you decide to acknowledge Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Whether you lit a candle on October 15th during Wave of Light or you send a card or gift to someone who has experienced a loss, don’t miss the opportunity to love on someone in your sphere of influence. Miscarriage and infant loss can be extremely isolating so the more we speak about our own journeys and share our stories, the more we normalize talking about grief for the next generation. From the bottom of my heart and our Laurelbox community, if you are grieving a pregnancy or grieving a child, we love you and support you and hold space for you on your grief journey.