Death itself is a jarring event. It can easily turn an adult’s life upside down and send anyone into a tailspin of emotions. That is even more true for young children hit by death and loss.  It is estimated that about 8% of children in the US experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18.

Nearly 80% of those who lost a parent said it was the hardest thing they have ever had to walk through. It can affect their attitude, sleep, behaviors, habits, relationships and perspective on life. A usually well-adjusted, even-tempered kid can quickly begin acting out and misbehaving as their young mind processes the loss.  A child who had been sleeping through the night may regress and experience night terrors, insomnia or even bed wetting. A child who normally loves to play with other children may resist play dates and interactions with others and begin to isolate as they navigate their new normal. Losing a parent during a child’s formative years can lead to things like anxiety and depression so be on the lookout for signs and grief symptoms and consider seeking professional help. If the child still has a living parent, that parent can set the stage for the child’s growth, development, and feelings as the family processes their collective grief.

Although the loss might not be as all-encompassing as the death of a parent, a child who loses a friend or extended family member still needs to process through their grief. The depth of the loss depends obviously on the closeness of the relationship. The death of a grandparent who lived far away and wasn’t involved in the day to day life of the child might feel differently than a grandparent who lived in or near the home and was an additional caregiver to the child. A friend from school who passed away may affect the child differently than a best friend who was a constant companion. Whatever form the loss takes, it can have overarching effects on the child’s mental health. One mom shared with me about her experience helping her children deal with loss, writing “A few months ago, my three children lost their grandfather after a four year battle with cancer. They are each grieving in their own ways. At the funeral, my seven year old watched the casket quietly and later told me he asked Jesus to heal his grandad so he could come back and be with us.  In the weeks following the funeral, my eleven year old son would weep and needed to be held and snuggled, which was very uncommon for a middle-aged young boy who loves football and rock crawling. Our fourteen year old daughter deals with her grief in a much more private way and occasionally will include herself in conversations and memories of him.  Watching and helping each child handle grief is so hard as a mom. Being there for each one of them in a different capacity and helping them navigate their feelings is a task I’m not sure I’ll ever get right.  With open communication though, our children are hurting and healing day by day.” 

It’s important to keep the parent’s memory alive by talking about the mom or dad with the child. Make sure to have pictures of them around the house and think of ways to honor their memory. If the loved one died from cancer or a specific sickness, consider encouraging the child to host a lemonade stand with the proceeds going to cancer research. Just like adults, children can benefit from channeling their grief into ways to help others and make a positive difference.