The Thief

I have heard it said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” And because I think there is so much wisdom in that adage, I have been thinking about that sentiment lately, but not in the way that you might expect. As I have gone through this dark and difficult season, I am not actually comparing myself to others. I am comparing myself to a previous version of my own life.

No matter how I have tried to stop, I keep comparing myself to the moments before loss became a piece of my story.  Before the years of struggle and heartache wore me thin. Before my life was quite so complicated or difficult or exhausting. Before I felt loss and so much sandpaper on my soul.  

Unfortunately, I know that part of being a human means I cannot go back to my previous life. No matter where we start in life, hard times come to us all at some point or another. When grief and loss knocks on our door, we have no choice but to walk through the door.

But here’s the thing...

 

But the slow pace where I process sadness and sorrow cannot be sped up. My process of grieving and processing my loss seems unbearably slow at times. Often, I wish nothing more than to wake up and feel the weight of loss off my shoulders. I think I speak for all grievers when I say, we do not necessarily want to be feeling the heaviness for so long. But the reality is, healthy grieving takes time. 

So friends, hear my heart. While I am sitting here and wishing my way back to earlier years, please do not rush me along. Your kind understanding can go so far in helping me feel accepted in my journey. It does not help me when you ask me if I am “over it by now,” and it does not help me when you judge me for my grieving process. And likewise, you can make me feel loved and appreciated and valued when you accept my timeline with an open and kind heart.

I know that oftentimes it might feel like I am doing so much better. But if you see me out and about, please don't think I am fine because I am laughing and seem happy and got dressed this morning. Sometimes acting normal feels like an act of defiance. Sometimes acting normal helps me cope. Sometimes acting normal is because I feel normal, but only for those moments. Grief is a weird journey, and I understand if it can feel confusing.

Difficult times have come for me and the walk through is a winding and weaving journey.

And I know I can do it. I know that. I do.  

And I also… you my friends who I love. I am thankful for you. I am. Even if you stumble, or do not say the right thing. Even if you make mistakes or struggle to know how to support me, I am grateful for you. I know I might not be able to show you my gratitude, but please know that I am still grateful.  You are the ones who help me keep my head up.  I love you all.  XOXO.